So, today, I told my friend that I can never really have best friends. I left one in Dubai to shift to India and another left me last year because she “got sick of me.” Since, then I created a personal space for myself. I am myself’s best friend now. The way I see things might be disturbing, funny or sad to many but this who I am.
So, tomorrow is my birthday. I’m not excited or anything because nothing exciting has ever happened. I don’t have the spirit. On 16th October 2000, just another kid was born to increase India’s population and become a hideous pimple in her paternal family history who was saved by her maternal grandparents. Birthdays in my family are not actually for the Birthday Girl or Boy, it’s for the family members who come for every corner and nook of East Delhi. Sometimes, even the Birthday Girl doesn’t know who her parents are inviting. I get invited to the party and what I see is the East Delhi version of My Sweet Sixteen and it’s even more disturbing when I realize that my parents are also contributing to the crap. And then, I contrite when I return to my place trying to figure out why I went to the party. I don’t get these people, sometimes….I mean, all the time.
If I ever get shot on the street and the bullet goes right into my heart, blood will spray from my artery and then, my uncles, aunts and cousins will be like, “Wow! That’s cool! How do you do that?” and my grandparents will stare into space and say, “Is something going on over here?”. Then, they’ll call up their relatives from every corner and nook of East Delhi and Dhaka and say, “Hey, guys! Watch my granddaughter spray blood from her artery! What an exceptional talent!” My parents will be the only ones concerned and then, they’ll be like, “We’re done with this family!”
Anyway, I like setting my self apart (or “cutting off” in layman’s language). I hope I will be remembered as a hideous pimple in the butt of the family (“trailblazer” in sophisticated language) because then I’ll be really honored.
By the way, happy birthday to Donghae Oppa (idiot bias-wrecker!) of Super Junior!
(I wrote this past midnight.) By 9:30, it’s like I’ve taken drugs. But I can’t sleep when I’m on my bed. I get random thoughts. For example, how can Voldemort be Harry Potter’s distant relative, how to open up both my vocal chords easily without getting possessed (refer to The Exorcism of Emily Rose) and all sorts of rubbish. Those thoughts help me to write new posts and stories.
It’s hard to write on the bed because I can’t write properly until both my butt-cheeks or on the chair and both my feet on the ground.
So, today at 2 PM in the afternoon, I fell asleep on my bed. I had the weirdest dream ever…. I was sleeping in my friend’s bedroom. Well, I guess it was my friend’s place. I was sleeping in peace when I felt like someone’s choking me with a pillow. I couldn’t breathe. It seemed so real. Somehow, I managed to wake up and stormed out of the room. I went to the living room and said hi to her sister. Then, my friend (the one who is Key in our kpop roleplay) smiled at me and offered some sweets to me. I told her I had no appetite but she smiled fed me some. The sweets had either sleeping pills or drugs because I passed out soon after.
When I woke up, I struggled to breathe and suffered from a pain that reached my head right from my neck. It seemed as if I really was choked by someone. But then again, I was on my bed. I had been acting weird with my Key lately. I don’t know if she was the one trying to choke me in my sleep. Key, if you’re reading my blog, let’s take it easy. After what this nightmare, I will never ever be clingy to you again. Not that I’m feeling threatened by you……ummm….oh crap.
I wonder how many times I have used the words “crap” and “outgrown” since yesterday. Although, that has nothing to do with this nightmare whatsoever.
I recently had my half yearly exams. I was looking forward to it because I was extremely well-prepared. I was cool and didn’t have to panic at the eleventh hour (something that teens usually do). I stayed cool and spent the break between the exam days as something that I call “Korean Variety Show Marathon Day” or KVSMD. I have a habit of finishing a three-hour-long exam in one and a half hour and using the next thirty minutes to cross-check. So, it takes two hours after which I hand over the answer sheet and wait for my friends to finish for an hour (a mentally grueling experience). My friends and parents say that I’m very cool and care-free about everything except money and few other things. What am I worried about?
I get really paranoid about money. I avoid going to the school canteen and ice-cream parlor because spending even five bucks sets my teeth on edge. I hate shopping. I think it’s stupid that a simple black corduroy pant costs around a thousand rupees and then I have to buy a good t-shirt and a pair of sneakers to go with it. It’s not my own money, it’s parents’. So, it hurts even more. Being a miser is in my nature. For example, when I lend a gel-ink pen to my classmate, I tell her not draw with it because I don’t want to waste ink.
2. Unfunny Jokes
I get that a lot, especially, when I’m with my relatives. It becomes crappier when my parents contribute to the shit.
3. Sounding Sarcastic 24/7
I am very sarcastic. A good friend of mine is a horrible singer (well…at a certain pitch) and she knows it. I often pass sarcastic comments by saying how fantastic her vocals are but she gets irritated. That’s the thing that causes a tension in our friendship so I stopped doing it but, somehow, when I REALLY compliment her, I sound sarcastic and that sort of thing sets me on the edge.
4. Acting Stupid In Auditions
In the month of July, I went for an audition. It was good but my throat dried up and my legs were shaky. Well, go for a live kpop audition with hassled producers as judges and see for yourself.
Last year, in December, my friend told me about how many ulzzangs (extremely good-looking people) can kpop lookalikes can be stalked online. She told me about a half- Japanese half-Filipino guy who looked like Kiseop of U-Kiss. I guess, he’s famous, so I can use his name-Koji Takahashi.
I discovered many things about lookalikes and how “extremely beautiful” they are. My friend liked Koji. The whole thing spread like a wildfire. I got to know his friend, and a few other lookalikes. Miji, the T-ARA Boram lookalike, made a major impression on me and we share the same birthday, despite that she is four years older than me. I even got to know more about a guy who turned out to be a lookalike of EXO’s Chen (not gonna say much about him). I became friends with their friends. All of them are Filipino. I can understand Tagalog so befriending them is easy. I became friends with a butt-load of dance cover artistes and ulzzangs. I sat in India but got all the kpop event news happening in Phillipines! XDD I learnt about kpop lookalikes and ulzzangs.
Now, let me move to the real deal- ulzzangs as a whole. I got to know about many Korean, Filipino and Malaysian ulzzangs through Tumblr and Facebook. They model and are good-looking and the create the waterworks and “selca/selfie-bombs” online because they know they are good-looking and are worth looking at. I remember chatting with Miji. I know she is pretty and totally admire her for her looks and did tell her that she’s pretty but she kept denying it and it kept me thinking, “You are an ulzzang. You were sent on the face of Earth to look awesome, young lady!!” These people, ulzzangs, know that they are pretty and worth falling for but they try to show how humble and modest they are and we know that they are lying. I accidentally sent a picture of mine. She said that I looked ulzzang. I was like, “This is the second biggest lie you told me, girl! I am not an ulzzang! Haven’t you seen me?! Are you blind?!” I don’t underestimate myself but I know how I look. If you have seen me in person, you know I’m not ulzzang.
Well, ulzzangs come in a variety of packages. I have met the sugarcoated ones, the awesome ones, the bipolar ones and the insecure ones. I even liked a kpop lookalike (Chen lookalike), he started dating another lookalike (WTH!). I was quite okay with it but I haven’t heard about the couple for a while.
People think it’s good to be a lookalike of a good-looking celebrity but I think it’s stupid because what’s so good about looking exactly like that person? You are treated like a clone. For example, a Kpopper might say, “I want to date this kpop lookalike because he looks like my bias.” Some of the lookalikes even imitate the idol they look like. I guess, one is ulzzang when he or she is original and doesn’t look identical to a famous and good-looking person.